Well, here we go since the anger is fresh and crisp.
I got out of work about an hour and a half ago, went
to the food store to do some groceries... it's been a bad,
long day. Rainy, I am running a shit hole of a store by
myself and I hate food shopping.
I'm out in the parking lot, loading delicious empty
carbs into my seven year old Subaru POS' trunk as
I am approached by some old hag, sitting in the
passenger seat of a late model Lexus, husband at the
steering wheel, kid in the back.
WATCH OUT! It's the Perfects!
"Sir! Can I get you to sign a petition?"
"About?"
"We believe that a marriage is a sacred bond between
man and woman and..."
"Listen, whatever makes people happy, right? I don't
care if it's two dudes or two girls."
*she gives me a patronizing little smile*
"Whatever, lady, deal with it"
So she drives off... I close the trunk and drive home.
And as I am sitting in the car, Monster Magnet blaring
I am thinking:
WHAT THE FUCK, LADY!?
I've been married for over a decade now. I have three
kids with the woman I love... I am straight as a rod.
I think penises are ugly and vaginas are next to
a pint of Stella Artois in deliciousness.
Conservative? Liberal? You're all assholes
with someone elses agenda because you're too
stupid to have your own.
I follow my own asshole agenda.
Here's my agenda on gay people:
Who gives a fuck if they like it in the ass???
It's their own private bed rooms. As long as they
don't say "HI" and quickly sodomize me, I'll be cool
with them.. at least until one of them says 'hi' and
quickly sodomizes me...
Then I'll fucking sign your petition.
What's so scary about gay people that they shouldn't
be allowed to get married and spend the rest of their
lives together?
They talk different? They're more flamboyant?
They don't do missionary and stop fucking every
night once they've been together for two years?
So fucking what?
I hope all you conservative, bible thumping, bigot
pieces of shit go to hell and get raped by your own
personal demon with a pineapple shaped dick.
"We believe that marriage.. blah blah"
We? Who the fuck is 'we'?
Are you that scared of your own 18th century
opinion that you have to quote the invisible mob
with torches?
Is it because deep, deep down your Uber Ich
wants to do some sodomizing or vagina on
vagina action? And this is exactly what I
think it is.
Google it. See how many conservative politicians
or fervent family values firebrand preachers
like some quick dick action in a public rest room.
Check these fucks out if you want to...
Last time I checked - it's 2009. Wake up, America.
It's not a crime to be gay anymore.
Oh.. and here's another thing to think about if
you are concerned enough about the moral
corruption of your God and Apple Pie paradise.
Gay people have been around forever.
And as long as there's people on this planet
there will be gay people around. Deal with it.
It's not unnatural to be gay. You're born gay.
You just figure it out once you hit puberty.
And I fucking hope all of you will have a gay
son or daughter just like Dick Cheney.
Most gay people I have met in my life were
cool. A little odd... but not utter assholes
like most of the other half of the planet.
People like you make me sick. You'd probably
like your Jim Crow laws back, too. Right?
I bet.
Marriage for white people with a taxable
income of $120k a year only!
So have your opinion. Don't solicit it to people
trying to get their food shopping done.
And don't solicit your opinion to me.
I don't give a shit.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Time for a product review!
Today's product: Irish Spring Cool relief scrub...
... and why you would be kind of stupid to use it.
So I bought a bottle of it at Walmart today because
I was all out of body soap and I like to smell good
in order to separate myself from the people who
don't.
It smells menthol-y fresh. I like menthol alot.
And it has scrubbing bubbles to exfoliate dead
skin cells for baby smooth skin... so far, so good.
The scrubbing bubbles are the size of a marble.
But that's manly. We're guys, we don't do little.
And at first it was cool. Lathering up my torso
I was all like: "Ah, that smells so good and man,
it really gets rid of those skin cells, huh??"
My arms are totally smooth now. Cool beans!
But you gotta clean up in the nether regions as
well, young man.
... and this is where the scrubbing bubbles should
have been replaced by the bar of Irish Spring
soap my 8 year old daughter got me for Father's
Day (she either knows how much I like the
smell of a whole island or she thinks I stink).
Scrubbing bubbles the size of a small country and
your Johnson... bad.
Menthol-y coolness on your Johnson... bad.
As a matter of fact had I covered my dick in
Bengay or Icy Hot, it would have probably had
the same effect. It was actually painful.
Think about it: first you take the scrubbing
bubbles to it - then you apply the actual pain.
But I paid $3.49 for it. So I'll use it until it's all
gone. And by the time it's gone, I will have gotten
used to the mix of pain and the clean, fresh scent
of a whole island.
No wonder the IRA never really stopped fighting.
They're all pissed off about their raw ass dicks.
Speaking of dicks. Next time we shall discuss
Conservative Talk Radio. I am so excited!!!
... and why you would be kind of stupid to use it.
So I bought a bottle of it at Walmart today because
I was all out of body soap and I like to smell good
in order to separate myself from the people who
don't.
It smells menthol-y fresh. I like menthol alot.
And it has scrubbing bubbles to exfoliate dead
skin cells for baby smooth skin... so far, so good.
The scrubbing bubbles are the size of a marble.
But that's manly. We're guys, we don't do little.
And at first it was cool. Lathering up my torso
I was all like: "Ah, that smells so good and man,
it really gets rid of those skin cells, huh??"
My arms are totally smooth now. Cool beans!
But you gotta clean up in the nether regions as
well, young man.
... and this is where the scrubbing bubbles should
have been replaced by the bar of Irish Spring
soap my 8 year old daughter got me for Father's
Day (she either knows how much I like the
smell of a whole island or she thinks I stink).
Scrubbing bubbles the size of a small country and
your Johnson... bad.
Menthol-y coolness on your Johnson... bad.
As a matter of fact had I covered my dick in
Bengay or Icy Hot, it would have probably had
the same effect. It was actually painful.
Think about it: first you take the scrubbing
bubbles to it - then you apply the actual pain.
But I paid $3.49 for it. So I'll use it until it's all
gone. And by the time it's gone, I will have gotten
used to the mix of pain and the clean, fresh scent
of a whole island.
No wonder the IRA never really stopped fighting.
They're all pissed off about their raw ass dicks.
Speaking of dicks. Next time we shall discuss
Conservative Talk Radio. I am so excited!!!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
About my blog and stupid things
My blog. I can’t really describe why I all of a sudden had this terrible urge to have a blog.
I don’t have a myspace or facebook account. I don’t need a bluerose69 or whazzerfuck1978 to be my e-buddies. I don’t need to talk to old school buddies.
What are we going to talk about? Wrestling and riding our pedal bikes together? Play some Nintendo after school?
And I don’t need to reconnect with old friends from years ago.
There’s obviously a reason why we don’t talk anymore.
The world has evolved into a big show of penis, thanks to the internet.
Is this going to be a rant against the internet? Not at all. I love it. I am spending a lot of time on it. Every day even.
But it has clearly evolved into a big penis fest of emotional exhibitionism. But instead of opening the trench coat wide for people to have a look at your Johnson, you open yourself wide on the world wide stupid.
There’s your picture right on your myspace page. You look a little drunk… HAHAHA! Stupid insider jokes, no one but your myspace friends will get, but that’s what it’s all about, right?
You have one.
If somebody asks you if you have any kind of social networking page and you dare to say ‘no’, you’ll get the look.
Because not baring your e-boobs to the rest of the world apparently makes you a social reject.
And then they try and talk you into signing up for one of those sites.
Like they get a commission or something for it.
“It’s so cool because…xyz”
Orly?
Why do I need this shit? I am not a good looking guy, my job is meaningless, my hobbies questionable. Who the fuck would want to look at my social networking page anyways?
Friends? Family? Fucking call me or lets go see a movie or go out to eat.
Don't send me cute kittens.
Or e-hugs.
Or whatever other shit you can send people.
Don’t even get me started on twitter. txt speak: The Next Generation.
Super short blogshit for even stupider shit. “HALP MY PLANE IS GOIN TO…”
Famous last twitters anyone?
What’s the point of twitter? You can twitter to people that you have to take a piss because you don’t have room for more elaborate communication.
Blogging for the lazy and attention whores. “I JUST TOOK A PISS LULZ!”
Ashton Kutcher has what… 2.5 million twitter followers. What the fuck, people?
But Q.E.D. - people are stupid. Thank you, Ashton, for proving my point.
Anyone hear about Miley Cyrus breaking up with her boyfriend
and they twittered back and forth after?
For the world to see? Terrific.
I’ve been called arrogant many times in my life but this is not going to be a holier than thou litany even though my wife calls my rants sermons at times.
Maybe this will even help her to get a break finally.
Once I get started, I am hard to stop and I was thinking a blog might be a good outlet since most of the time I also talk myself into a mindless rage about stupid things that set me off.
But no worries. I am just as stupid as you are.
But not as stupid as Good Morning America… or their audience.
Because we need to know about the puppy that got stuck in the drain pipe.
Because we don’t need to know about the elections in Iran.
Because who gives a shit.
Because you probably can’t even find it on a map.
I love puppies as much as you do but fuck being a little bit more educated on current events in the world.
The thing is… they know we’re all stupid.
That’s why shock and awe news do better than the informative stuff with all the boring politics involved. Or reality TV. But that's for another spew fest some time in the future.
There is no ‘Man’ who decided to dumb us down. We’re doing a pretty good job ourselves.
We have all this information a keyboard length away.
News, History, Culture. But hey, I have to update my social networking site with another zany 10 of Why You Are so Damn Fucking Stupid questionnaires some asshole from the past I barely remember sent me twenty minutes ago.
Pass it on to all your contacts, it’s so much fun!!!! Fuck you.
Water to the left. Water to the right. Here be dragons.
That’s the popular view on current events in the world.
Local news: 15 minutes
International human interest: 2 minutes
International news: 3 minutes (but only if the word ‘America(n)’ is used at least twice otherwise it’s boring news)
Sports: 10 minutes
Or Whatever. I go online, check several news sites and then draw my own conclusions.
It’s like your doctor telling you that you have cancer. You go check with other doctors to be sure.
Fox makes me laugh alot. Fair and balanced, that's their motto.
Good researchers as well because of all those Iraqi trucks driving
around mobile WMD labs.
Got the masses excited and incited. Joseph Goebbels sends his regards.
You bought it, though.
Because they're fair and balanced and if you can't trust the news, who can you trust?
Wait a minute...
And this is what this blog is going to be all about. Stupid stuff that pisses us less stupid people off.
Like super and mega rolls of toilet paper, the size of a regular t-paper roll 10 years ago.
Like the conservative ‘underground’ - high fives from Joseph there as well.
Like… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say we’ll find plenty to talk about in the future.
I am not a brilliant mind. Don’t expect orgasms of brilliance. You might not agree with my spelling either. But it’s my blog. Not yours. Stay posted, I might just do this on a regular basis.
I don’t have a myspace or facebook account. I don’t need a bluerose69 or whazzerfuck1978 to be my e-buddies. I don’t need to talk to old school buddies.
What are we going to talk about? Wrestling and riding our pedal bikes together? Play some Nintendo after school?
And I don’t need to reconnect with old friends from years ago.
There’s obviously a reason why we don’t talk anymore.
The world has evolved into a big show of penis, thanks to the internet.
Is this going to be a rant against the internet? Not at all. I love it. I am spending a lot of time on it. Every day even.
But it has clearly evolved into a big penis fest of emotional exhibitionism. But instead of opening the trench coat wide for people to have a look at your Johnson, you open yourself wide on the world wide stupid.
There’s your picture right on your myspace page. You look a little drunk… HAHAHA! Stupid insider jokes, no one but your myspace friends will get, but that’s what it’s all about, right?
You have one.
If somebody asks you if you have any kind of social networking page and you dare to say ‘no’, you’ll get the look.
Because not baring your e-boobs to the rest of the world apparently makes you a social reject.
And then they try and talk you into signing up for one of those sites.
Like they get a commission or something for it.
“It’s so cool because…xyz”
Orly?
Why do I need this shit? I am not a good looking guy, my job is meaningless, my hobbies questionable. Who the fuck would want to look at my social networking page anyways?
Friends? Family? Fucking call me or lets go see a movie or go out to eat.
Don't send me cute kittens.
Or e-hugs.
Or whatever other shit you can send people.
Don’t even get me started on twitter. txt speak: The Next Generation.
Super short blogshit for even stupider shit. “HALP MY PLANE IS GOIN TO…”
Famous last twitters anyone?
What’s the point of twitter? You can twitter to people that you have to take a piss because you don’t have room for more elaborate communication.
Blogging for the lazy and attention whores. “I JUST TOOK A PISS LULZ!”
Ashton Kutcher has what… 2.5 million twitter followers. What the fuck, people?
But Q.E.D. - people are stupid. Thank you, Ashton, for proving my point.
Anyone hear about Miley Cyrus breaking up with her boyfriend
and they twittered back and forth after?
For the world to see? Terrific.
I’ve been called arrogant many times in my life but this is not going to be a holier than thou litany even though my wife calls my rants sermons at times.
Maybe this will even help her to get a break finally.
Once I get started, I am hard to stop and I was thinking a blog might be a good outlet since most of the time I also talk myself into a mindless rage about stupid things that set me off.
But no worries. I am just as stupid as you are.
But not as stupid as Good Morning America… or their audience.
Because we need to know about the puppy that got stuck in the drain pipe.
Because we don’t need to know about the elections in Iran.
Because who gives a shit.
Because you probably can’t even find it on a map.
I love puppies as much as you do but fuck being a little bit more educated on current events in the world.
The thing is… they know we’re all stupid.
That’s why shock and awe news do better than the informative stuff with all the boring politics involved. Or reality TV. But that's for another spew fest some time in the future.
There is no ‘Man’ who decided to dumb us down. We’re doing a pretty good job ourselves.
We have all this information a keyboard length away.
News, History, Culture. But hey, I have to update my social networking site with another zany 10 of Why You Are so Damn Fucking Stupid questionnaires some asshole from the past I barely remember sent me twenty minutes ago.
Pass it on to all your contacts, it’s so much fun!!!! Fuck you.
Water to the left. Water to the right. Here be dragons.
That’s the popular view on current events in the world.
Local news: 15 minutes
International human interest: 2 minutes
International news: 3 minutes (but only if the word ‘America(n)’ is used at least twice otherwise it’s boring news)
Sports: 10 minutes
Or Whatever. I go online, check several news sites and then draw my own conclusions.
It’s like your doctor telling you that you have cancer. You go check with other doctors to be sure.
Fox makes me laugh alot. Fair and balanced, that's their motto.
Good researchers as well because of all those Iraqi trucks driving
around mobile WMD labs.
Got the masses excited and incited. Joseph Goebbels sends his regards.
You bought it, though.
Because they're fair and balanced and if you can't trust the news, who can you trust?
Wait a minute...
And this is what this blog is going to be all about. Stupid stuff that pisses us less stupid people off.
Like super and mega rolls of toilet paper, the size of a regular t-paper roll 10 years ago.
Like the conservative ‘underground’ - high fives from Joseph there as well.
Like… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say we’ll find plenty to talk about in the future.
I am not a brilliant mind. Don’t expect orgasms of brilliance. You might not agree with my spelling either. But it’s my blog. Not yours. Stay posted, I might just do this on a regular basis.
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